Simple Strategies for Fostering Resiliency in Parenting

One need not be a parent long to acknowledge this privilege isn’t for cowards.  While frequently an indescribable joy it is also a momentous responsibility – for which there is little training, no qualification checks, no periodic evaluations nor are there performance guarantees. 

Plain and simple….parenting is hard work.

However – we are not without help.  Resources abound – from parenting seminars and support groups to online-forums and published works, we are nearly overwhelmed with an assortment of support for this life-long journey.

Approaches to parenting differ as well.  If you're anything like me, you’ve tried a wide variety.  A quick search for parenting books on a popular on-line store turned up such titles as:  Simplicity Parenting, Grace-based Parenting, Playful Parenting, Positive Parenting, Purposeful Parenting, Unconditional Parenting, and, my personal favorite, Screamfree Parenting. 

Sometimes, especially when passing through a difficult season or experience with one of my children, I wind up feeling as if I’ve exhausted my parenting resources and tried every trick in the book to no avail.  So, when persuasive counsel and barking instructions cultivate more tension than positive results, its time to apply a different strategy. 

Resiliency….

Not necessarily in my child …… but for me.

Some define resiliency as an innate ability to bounce back following adversity or failure.  Others claim it to be an acquired skill-set that enables one to survive major setbacks and successfully navigate the storms and trauma of life. 

For me – it is a basic necessity in the course of my parenting and a prerequisite for peace during seasons of strife.  Resiliency enables me to rebound from most parenting faux pas, fostering a hopeful outlook on life (and parenting!).

So – here are several strategies I employ amid those bleak parenting moments when I'm not sure what to do next.  They may sound simple – but I find they break the ice, cultivate dialogue, and ease the tension – first and foremost for me – and then also for my children.

Remain stable and steady and dependable – perhaps more so during the adolescent years than any other, our children need a safe and secure place to land.  Experts claim that brain development accelerates dramatically during the teen years, which partially explains why adolescents are prone to drastic mood swings and strong emotional outbursts.  Therefore it’s important for parents to remain calm, cool and collected despite our teenager’s irrational or unexpected behavior.  For me, remaining firm in my convictions and managing my expectations is important.   My schedule needs to have added margin and I often mentally prepare myself for stressful encounters.  Breathing exercises, counting to 10, choosing to say nothing (not even under my breath) are all safe behaviors.  A few sessions with a professional counselor or trusted advisor helps too!

Acknowledge, Affirm and Assure – In addition to being a season filled with significant mood swings and drastic physical changes, adolescence is a breeding ground for insecurities, misunderstandings and, at times, near paranoia.  One moment our teens are assured of our love and next (usually following a corrective discussion, loss of a privilege or push in the right direction) they see us as the enemy and themselves as an inconvenience and a burden.  Its equally important to acknowledge their worth.  Tell them they are special, affirm their talents and God-given gifts, and assure them they are loved…..over and over and over again.  Write it down.  Put a note on their pillow, tape it to the bathroom mirror, stick it in their book-bag or lunch box and secure it to the car dashboard.  They cannot hear it or read it enough!

Hug – a lot.  There are times when a warm hand on the shoulder or gentle squeeze connects us in ways which go beyond what is possible with mere words -- especially when the right words are hard to come by.  Research indicates that children who experience healthy physical affection within their family relationships have higher self-esteem and a greater sense of well-being throughout life. 

Retell a treasured memory from their childhood – Consider jotting down several “firsts” – first words, first steps, first time riding a bike, first camping trip, you get the picture.  How about a favorite toy, TV show or movie?  Who was their favorite childhood friend and what was the activity they enjoyed the most?  Better yet, recall some of their funny habits or tendencies.   Sharing these memories will bring both smiles and a feeling of cheer to the room, lightening the overall atmosphere.

This list is certainly not exhaustive.  For a brief list of websites on pursuing healthy relationships and raising children click here. 

I'm currently readin, For Parents Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa a. Rice and often look to the topical resource Parenting with Scripture by Kara Durbin.  

Question:  Do you have some strategies that help you bounce back following a challenging parenting moment?