Caught in the confict

I could tell something was wrong, the tension in the room was obvious and there was an undeniable awkwardness between us.  When  I asked her if everything was OK, she assured me that indeed it was.  However - her tone, body language and gestures "said" otherwise. 

We've all been there - on either side of it, right?  We can be the one who is hurt or angry and not knowing how to express or explain our feelings.  Or - we're the one who has done something but not sure of what. 

Sometimes our toughest challenges involve people rather than circumstances. Often these situations are more difficult to get over than inanimate ones.  We may find ourselves questioning our actions, obsessing over something we said, or completely bewildered, asking "how did I wind up in the middle of this situation?".....Caught in the conflict.

Relationships can be challenging  - after all, each of us are wired with our own emotional tendencies and view life through a unique, personal "lense".   We each see and interpret circumstances individually.  So there is bound to be a fair amount of misinterpretation.  Throw in some unmet needs and insecurities, stress and circumstances beyond one's control..... welcome to a great set up for a complicated relationship challenge.

Ever find yourself in one of these?  If not - consider yourself lucky -- or --- maybe you are just not getting out enough.

In my experience - family, church, and ministry opportunities seem to be a common place for these situations to show up.  That's just great - conflict where it hurts the most and can cause incredible amounts of collateral damage.

Now....I'll admit I can be a bit sensitive.  Perhaps this is because I am such a people person.  Anyone who knows me well will agree that I have a wide variety of friends.  I thoroughly enjoy being "out and about" in different social situations and I like being with all kinds of different people. I rarely come across someone that I strongly dislike.  So I end up taking relationship conflicts pretty hard....and personally.

My first inclination is to take responsibility for a conflict, asking myself, "what have I done?" or "what could I have done to avoid this?".   Then I ask myself - "is my sensitivity real or imagined?" As a people-pleaser and peacemaker by nature, this becomes the path of my emotions.  Some of you may relate to how I feel, others may think I'm overly sensitive or even in need of some therapy.  Either way, we all have something to learn about improving the way we address and manage conflict.   

God has been working through this specifically with me lately.  Its not been easy - but is been profound and has given me the opportunity to look closer at my own insecurities and tendencies in addressing conflict as well as become more sensitive to the needs of others.

I really am not an expert nor do I think I have all the answers.  However, since I've been in some pretty interesting and complicated conflicts - I'm sharing what I've learned with the hope that it may help someone work through and even resolve a complicated or difficult relationship in a new way.

Many have read or heard the quote "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle".  Viewing a conflict through this "lense" may be a good starting point.   Sometimes when I find myself in a complicated situation I consider whether or not the other party is dealing with something challenging.  Their negative reaction or lashing out may have nothing at all to do with me but have everything to do with a life crisis -- of which I may be completely unaware.

Another idea to consider is the issue of insecurities or unmet needs.  I now ask myself, "does this individual have an unmet need or an insecurity that may affect their reaction to the situation?"  This may explain a lot.  Some needs, like for control and significance, often emerge and may be the basis for an unanticipated (& often unwarranted) outburst.

Sometimes however, it is about me -- my own unmet needs or insecurities. And if the conflict is not resolved, I may end up offended...or being the offender. In the book, The Bait of Satan, John Bevere addresses the issue of conflict and offense.  He refers to these issues as traps that Satan uses to blind believers and keep them focused on themselves -- rather than pursuing peace and reconciliation, as God would have us do.  Hmmm..... interesting and food for thought. 

John Bevere has some great insights about the trap of offense.  He states in his book that when we are hurt by someone close to us,  bitterness and suspicion often creep in to the relationship, creating an ongoing sense of distrust.  I don't know about you but I've seen this pop up on occasion in my own life.  Its a place I've been to which I do not want to return. (I encourage you to check out John Bevere's book -- it contains some great ideas for working through conflict & offense within a biblical perspective)
 

So what do I now do with conflict and offense?  

• First I pray, asking God to enable me to see clearly and to give me wisdom.   God has alot to say about relationships - much of which I still have yet to learn.   The following verses from Paul's letter to the Ephesians have given me some ways to view and address relationship challenges: 

  "Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle.  Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.  Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the spirit, biding yourselves together with peace" Ephesians 4:1-3 New Living Translation (emphasis mine)

• I ask some questions, such as, "are there unmet needs or insecurities here?" or "is there something else going on of which I may not be aware that is affecting this situation?"   
• I consider whether or not my actions were misinterpreted due to an individuals personal "lense"
• I choose to make allowances for another's faults, recognizing that I have my own too.   
• I avoid thoughts of distrust or suspicion and refuse to rehearse past hurts

Conflict is a normal and necessary part of healthy relationships.  What's important is how we address and manage them.